Alright, I’ve jumped on the silly Bird Box bandwagon. No, this post isn’t going to be about the movie. Although if you really want my opinion, I thought it was…meh. But of course, the movie featured all of the apocalyptic tropes we know, love and get annoyed by. So here are some of the things I have learned about the apocalypse by watching too many apocalypse-themed movies and T.V. shows. You know the ones I’m talking about: The Walking Dead ( I gave up on this show after the 15,000th season, good God someone please put a bullet in the head of that show because it will never ever end); Bird Box; 28 Days Later; Shaun of the Dead (my favorite); I Am Legend; World War Z; Dawn of the Dead…are we noticing a trend here?
Since I have no life and I’ve seen all of these movies, I’ve designed a handy-dandy little tip sheet to help you in the apocalypse. Because that’s what I do; I help people. The sole reason why I write is to help my fellow man…Aw, who am I kidding? I don’t care about you guys. I only write for my own enjoyment, artistic expression, and yeah, the imminent fame that is so, so close I can taste it (just kidding…). Wait! Wait! I’m not completely serious. I love you guys. I really do. Please don’t go…
Ok, I’ll shut up now. Here are the tips:
- Just Hope You’re One of the First to Die
- For the reasons I’m going to talk about below, just cross your fingers that you’re one of the lucky ones that gets the axe within the first half hour of shit going down. There’s always some huge car crash and explosion because everyone’s running around going apeshit, not knowing what’s going on. Just hope you’re one of the lucky ones that goes in the car crash and the explosion. Having to survive with a motley crew of douchebags for several months and then becoming a zombie or dying in some other horrific way is definitely a bad way to go. If I had to live with Andrea or Beth from The Walking Dead for more than two months I would just walk myself right into the ocean and let the sharks take me.
- The Hospital Is Not a Safe Space
- Three of the films I mentioned above start in a damn hospital. Now of course sometimes you have to go to the hospital. It’s Tuesday, the day before the apocalypse starts, and after you eat your leftover pizza in the break room you start to feel a sharp pain in your lower right abdomen. Before you know it Phyllis from accounting is driving you to the hospital with white knuckles and sweat pouring down her double chin. You end up having an appendectomy and stay overnight. Then the next morning you hear scratching on the door and screams echoing through the halls. Then you get bit. Nothing you can do about it. Just a bad hand, I guess. All I’m saying is if you have the choice between visiting your sister-in-law’s new baby in the hospital or face-timing them from the comfort of your own home, then stay home. You never know when chaos will strike. You think seeing some brat in an incubator is going to be worth getting your brains gnawed on? Think again.
- It Never Blows Over
- Ah yes, there’s always a “let’s all just stay put until this blows over” plan. My favorite parody of this is in Shaun of the Dead when they decide to go to the Winchester for a pint and wait for it all to blow over. Well guess what? It’s not going to blow over. It never does. No one is going to save you. And if you’re going to huddle in somewhere, choose wisely. Imagine your horror when you realize the place you decided to stay in only has sugar-free ice cream in the freezer and a fridge filled only with condiments that expired two years ago. Really? Sugar free ice cream? What’s the point? Oh wait! Could that be a bottle of wine way back in the pantry? Thank Christ! Wait…White Zin…oh God. God no. Whyyyyyy!!!! And Kashi cereal?? Just kill me now!
- Tis’ The Season For Death
- The time of year the apocalypse happens is another thing you have no control over, but it’s crucial to your survival. How many apocalypse movies take place during the winter? Not many. I’m not saying there isn’t one, but I haven’t seen one. Why? Because most likely if you live north of say Georgia, you’re not going to make it through the winter. Think you’re going to have heat and electricity? Probably not. Better to suffer for a few months in the summer time without air conditioning than to freeze to death. And remember it’s not going to blow over, so you’re going to need a few months to figure out how to survive through the winter.
- Never Let the Pregnancy Glow Enter Your Group
- Besides bringing a screaming child into this world, the only other thing pregnant women bring along with them is trouble. “I’m tired!” “I’m hungry!” Constantly complaining! And for what? Just to bring another human into this world who is going to do the exact same thing? Oh, and that whole “I’m eating for two” bull ain’t so cute in the apocalypse when people are starving. I’m sorry, Nancy, but you’re only eating for one. It’ll be easier when you end up pushing out a skinny baby rather than a fat one, trust me.
- Be A Hermit, Don’t Join A Group of Crazy Survivalists
- When the apocalypse happens you may be tempted to knock on the door of your crazy neighbor Jeb. Ol’ Jeb seemed harmless enough with his “Don’t Tread On Me” and “Lock Her Up!” bumper stickers and his empty gun rack on the back of his truck. He’s…eccentric, right? You may think back on that one night when he invited you to his house after you had a few too many beers at the block party. You remember his basement was lined with hundreds of meticulously organized can goods. And wasn’t there a trap door in the corner that lead to a room with automatic rifles and hand grenades? And of course, you left feeling a little disturbed, but now, well hell, now seems like a great time to get to know Ol’ Jeb a little better. Don’t fall for it. Just remember that anyone who seriously prepares for the irrational isn’t rational. They trust no one and deep down they’re scared shitless. Just keep in mind that the first time you accidentally leave only a sheet of toilet paper on the roll, Ol’ Jeb is going to be running at you with his pants around his ankles and his double barrel down your throat.
- Study Conflict Resolution
- If you’ve watched more than a couple apocalyptic films then you know that the characters are more diverse than a college recruitment brochure. There’s always a wide variety of ages, ethnicities, races, religions, etc. Although, I could be wrong here, but I have yet to see a character in a wheelchair carrying a shotgun and spikes taped all around their chair. That would be kind of badass, right? Anyway, why are all of the characters diverse? Because it’s brilliant storytelling. Put a group of completely different people in a room and you are going to have natural conflict, which makes for a better story. If this ever happens to you in real life you better hope you’ve learned some conflict resolution skills. If you’re anything like me, my conflict resolution skills comprise of me just pretending like you don’t exist anymore. Unfortunately this won’t help you in the apocalypse. Sure, Chaz is a douche who always wore Lacoste and Ray-bans in high school, but he’s the one that always goes on the supply runs. If you continue to ignore your beef with him, guess who’s never getting chapstick ever again? Best to settle the score and live for another couple of months with your band of weirdos. But just hope #1 happens and you don’t have to worry about any of this.